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Hopefully a memory that won’t fade as much with time. Do this with a baby/toddler that refuses to be put down. It’s like a delicate dance of parenting techniques without coming off as too judgmental or like you’re pushing your way as THE way to parent.

It goes something like this: You have 15 minutes before you have to make breakfast, get the kids dressed, get yourself dressed, get All Of The Shit in a backpack and get out the door. I never realized how easy the Mini was until he became, well, not easy. Maybe it has to get worse, before it gets better, but at some point during the day, I think to myself, It’s a way to get attention. It’s a way to show his frustration when he’s having a hard time communicating. The only difference is that (usually) you don’t have to walk them to the door and lie to them and tell them they’re the best kisser, when really, you can’t wait to get home and sop up the excess saliva with your shamwow.

When our kid are born, we spent hours going over every little feature on their body.

Every crease, every tiny delicate little fleck of dry skin.

Her head on my shoulder, and hoping that it won’t be a long night. It already goes too fast, but bedtime lingers, and I don’t want to be up until 2. The Mini has never fallen out of bed, despite the fact that he sleeps on the very edge of the bed. I see him curled up on his side in the fetal position, uncovered. Happy Mother’s Day to those of you who are lucky enough to be a part of the Mom’s club.

This is totally uncharacteristic of him, as he’s a habitual stomach sleeper. And to those of you who are still waiting, or struggling, I have hope that you’ll someday get to experience this feeling.

Slumlords like yourself are obliged to pull out ragweed in order to relieve citizens’ suffering. Along with my jealousy, was this feeling of smugness. And I find the amount of patience you have for kids, when you’re newly pregnant, kind of adorable. It was more like, “Moooooooooooooom, that is so ), I couldn’t separate the two. So I got home and debated on whether or not to text her. Me: So is this like real dating where we have to play coy and not call each other for four days afterwards? A memory that is now shelved next to new memories and feelings. I’ll smile and say, “congratulations, it’s hard work, but it’s worth it.” And then I’ll go home and wipe up piss off of my floor, after hearing the Mini scream “MOM, I PEED ALL OVER MYSELF AND I GOT IT ON THE FLOOR.” I’d like to see her, have that glowy happy air about her as she’s mopping up piss off the bathroom floor. When I was a kid, my mother would occasionally say to me, “I will always love you, but I don’t like you very much right now.” And I would be like, “Dude, that is kind of fucked up.” OK, I didn’t say that to my mother, at least not back then. I tend to not run too much with the preschool crowd, because I don’t feel like they’re much my style, but this one, this one is pretty down to earth, and cool as a person, and a mom.Her conversation with her husband, of things like, the hospital affiliation, and that this was the same OB her friend used, just solidified my hypothesis. You would think that this would make us accept and love our “flaws” even more, yet, somehow, it doesn’t. And I wish I could bottle up that excitement and save it forever. I felt like an asshole, but it was funny to watch, and think to myself “yeah, I was where you were, and you have no idea what you’re in for.” As the Mini almost ran into her, as he wasn’t looking where he was going. Because if someone else’s kid runs into me now, I want to punt them into next week. Her: Nah, I’m kind of a sex on the first date kind of girl.




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