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I'm proud to say that today, when someone gives me a gift, I can receive it with grace. I routinely employ phrases like "I'm overcommitted this week" or "I'm at capacity, but check back with me in a couple of months." When I say no, I don't over-explain or apologize profusely.

I understand on a soul level that I can't give what I don't have.

I.e., if you're not going to make me feel bad, I'm going to be so nice to you that in comparison, you seem like you're an asshole. When my parents fought, I would put on improvised performances or fashion shows in our living room to try to distract them.

Fussing over narcissistic people was how I kept in their good graces and how I felt safe.

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It's only recently that I've learned to coach myself through this self-abuse: "Whit, you'll survive even if some random stranger thinks this sucks." That coaching of my inner monologue is a daily course correction I do because I have a "disease" called codependence. When my therapist first suggested that I was codependent, I was confounded because I wasn't dating anyone.

I could give someone nice jewelry, but when they tried to buy me a two-dollar coffee I would resist to the point of it getting awkward.

And if someone gave me a gift, I viewed it like a grenade.

But if I drive you to the airport secretly hoping you'll like me, owe me, won't abandon me down the line, or to control your perception of me (i.e., I want you to think I'm nice), that's codependent.

I had always had a hunch something was wrong because I could give but I couldn't receive.




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